VOTERS were shocked last night when it was revealed that Republican candidate for the upcoming Presidential election will be a nine year old boy.
Eric Cartman of South Park, Colorado was a surprising candidate but gained quick support from the party after his first speech received a ten minute standing ovation.
A senior member of the Republican Party explained why the nine year old had been put forward:
We did consider putting Rice forward for a very long time but we decided that it would be a foolish thing to do. The Democrats will have you believe that America is quite forward thinking and supportive of all candidates.
But Im afraid to say that the average American is not ready for a Black President. Thats not to say they are racist, they just wont elect one. And do you really see someone willing to be the First Man or the First Husband? Hillary, I dont think so.
The only disruption during Cartmans first appearance was a violent outburst from another child who cannot be named for legal reasons. The Republicans have requested that this boy be retained in custody until the end of the Presidential campaign.
Eric Cartman said: I have nothing against this kid but he will spread lies about me. Hell say Im Anti-Semitic. But you shouldnt listen to him because hes nothing but a dirty, stinking Jew.
Im here to put forward the real issues. Things like, er... the name of people and er, freedom and I dunno. Democracy, stuff like that.
Im not afraid of the war in Iraq. But unlike Bush, if things dont go my way in the Middle East Ill have no problem saying Screw you guys, Im going home.
But you definitely shouldnt listen to Kahls vicious lies. Im building bridges between the nations of the world. Im not stupid, my brain is not impaired. Im not fat. Im smarter than all of you and Im much better looking too.
Public opinion polls have also shown a great deal of support for the Presidential hopeful. A survey conducted on male voters aged 40-55 showed that 35% believed he was the right man for the job, 25% voted against, saying he was too young and a whopping 40% said it didnt matter because Eric Cartman was hot and theyd vote for him anyway.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama were unavailable to comment as they had been mysteriously bound and gagged and were found unconscious in a janitors closet. It is speculated that they were trying out a new sex technique and Bill Clinton had accidentally locked them in when he was shopping for cigars.
With the countdown to the elections in November 2008 the Democrat candidates may have difficulty overcoming young Eric Cartmans authoritah.
Hahaha Im very amused to see that the fictional Republican representative was proven wrong. Barack Obama is now President, no longer just President elect and very well done for him. Back when I wrote this I barely knew who he was.
Before anyone asks I am a journalist so I'm used to writing articles but I never get to make them funny. Now here was my chance. One of Cartman's quotes is actually from Zaphod Beeblebrox, another famous fictional President.