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March 13, 2007
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Vote Cartman 2008 by Cszemis Vote Cartman 2008 by Cszemis
VOTERS were shocked last night when it was revealed that Republican candidate for the upcoming Presidential election will be a nine year old boy.

Eric Cartman of South Park, Colorado was a surprising candidate but gained quick support from the party after his first speech received a ten minute standing ovation.

A senior member of the Republican Party explained why the nine year old had been put forward:

“We did consider putting Rice forward for a very long time but we decided that it would be a foolish thing to do. The Democrats will have you believe that America is quite forward thinking and supportive of all candidates.

“But I’m afraid to say that the average American is not ready for a Black President. That’s not to say they are racist, they just won’t elect one. And do you really see someone willing to be the “First Man” or the “First Husband?” Hillary, I don’t think so.”

The only disruption during Cartman’s first appearance was a violent outburst from another child who cannot be named for legal reasons. The Republicans have requested that this boy be retained in custody until the end of the Presidential campaign.

Eric Cartman said: “I have nothing against this kid but he will spread lies about me. He’ll say I’m Anti-Semitic. But you shouldn’t listen to him because he’s nothing but a dirty, stinking Jew.

“I’m here to put forward the real issues. Things like, er... the name of people and er, freedom and I dunno. Democracy, stuff like that.

“I’m not afraid of the war in Iraq. But unlike Bush, if things don’t go my way in the Middle East I’ll have no problem saying ‘Screw you guys, I’m going home.’

“But you definitely shouldn’t listen to Kahl’s vicious lies. I’m building bridges between the nations of the world. I’m not stupid, my brain is not impaired. I’m not fat. I’m smarter than all of you and I’m much better looking too.”

Public opinion polls have also shown a great deal of support for the Presidential hopeful. A survey conducted on male voters aged 40-55 showed that 35% believed he was the right man for the job, 25% voted against, saying he was too young and a whopping 40% said it didn’t matter because Eric Cartman was hot and they’d vote for him anyway.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama were unavailable to comment as they had been mysteriously bound and gagged and were found unconscious in a janitor’s closet. It is speculated that they were trying out a new sex technique and Bill Clinton had accidentally locked them in when he was shopping for cigars.

With the countdown to the elections in November 2008 the Democrat candidates may have difficulty overcoming young Eric Cartman’s ‘authoritah.’

Hahaha Im very amused to see that the fictional Republican representative was proven wrong. Barack Obama is now President, no longer just President elect and very well done for him. Back when I wrote this I barely knew who he was.

Before anyone asks I am a journalist so I'm used to writing articles but I never get to make them funny. Now here was my chance. One of Cartman's quotes is actually from Zaphod Beeblebrox, another famous fictional President.

Clairebear xx
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Clonetrooper21 Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I vote for Kyle instead of the fat jackass cartman is
SweetGems Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2012  Student General Artist
Anybody but Obama, I know that much...
Cszemis Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2012  Student Writer
Anyone but Romney. Anyone but Republicans full stop.
fedorahead Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
SQUEE! I knew the quote sounded familiar... Zaphod is my all-time favourite dude.
unnamednewbie13 Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2009
Cartman would run for office under any party just for the sheer joy of power and beating someone else.
Masterge77 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2009  Hobbyist
I would rather vote Clinton back in than havining the most foul mouthed kid on TV ruining our beloved country......
Saiyuri-Chan Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2008
sorry update:

Saiyuri-Chan Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2008
hes got my vote
SuperMaids Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2008
Eric is a republican? I always immagined him leading the Demmocrats into fascism, with the tollerence totalitarians from the Death Camp of Tollerence at his side...

I'd be more inclined to vote Cartman than Huckabee!
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