1) Never ever get your hair cut that short again. Or if you do, start wearing makeup. Yes, you're only thirteen but the alternative is having shop assistants refer to you as "son."
2) Get over G-. She thinks she is too cool for the likes of you now. Find a new best friend. In about six years you're going to hear from G-, and how she regrets losing the only friend who listened to her.
3) So you're being bullied, and people have been calling you a "dyke" because of your short hair and shyness around boys. Ignore them. You are not gay, and even if you were that isn't a problem to anyone except to those too immature to deal with it.
4) You know those girls who are bullying you and who are already doing sexual things with boys? Good news. They drop out because they're knocked up. They won't go to college or university and they're going to spend their lives on benefits. Laugh.
5) Don't let people manipulate you into doing things you don't want to do. It'll mess with your self esteem when you realise people use you for their own devices and they don't care about you or about what you think and feel.
6) Accessorise. Even if your mother isn't giving her permission for you to wear eyeliner or mascara, wear pretty earrings and necklaces. Make yourself still feel special.
7) Talk to Mrs S-. This woman is going to be revelation for you and she's going to encourage you to get into creative writing.
8) Become friends with L- now, not later. Don't be like everyone else who can only see his Hugh Grant haircut and leather jacket. Some of the best nights of your life are going to be helping him find the man of his dreams in Bennets. Protect him from homophobes and sleazy old men. Try not to lose contact with him years later.
9) Keep in shape. Start running or something. You don't want to be in your twenties and be devastated when you find you can no longer do the splits or a crab. Keep cart-wheeling because you'll be too frightened to attempt them later.
10) Look forward to your fifth and sixth year of high school. You'll never feel so confident, so creative and so energetic as you will in those years so make them really special for yourself.
11) Get accustomed to the fact you might never have children. It's not impossible but sparing the grisly details of your emergency operation at age nineteen, if you get used to the possibility now, it won't cause you so much heartache later. You might still be a mother though one day, wait and see.
12) There's a thing called depression. It's going to hit you hard. That's ok. If you start being more positive about yourself now, if you believe in yourself now, if you build up your confidence now, then it won't feel like your heart's been ripped out of your chest years later.
13) Take care of your teeth. Having those train track braces is going to hurt and you'll look awful but it will be worth it. Don't wreck all those years with too much sugar.
14) You're going to fall down every flight of stairs in your high school at some point. Laugh when you land.
15) The Sex Pistols, The Beatles, The Clash, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Adam and the Ants, Blur, Pulp, The Jam, Madness, Queen, Space, The Cure, The Fratellis, The Verve, Lady Gaga, Mozart, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky- this is the sort of music you should listen to. Boy bands are crap.
16) High school lasts for 6 years. You could live until you're 80. What matters now won't matter later. Trust me, you'll get through this. You will get through this.